灰

心，有些灰...
是自己不够成熟还是经历了太多？

曾经，我也是那么地疯狂...
曾经，我也是那么地开朗...
曾经，我也是那么地单纯...
曾经，我也是那么地不计较....

可是这一切的一切都随着年龄而改变，
又时候不不禁不怀疑改变的到底是自己还是身边的人...
我明白每个人到了不同的阶段会随着环境而改变，
心甘情愿?
身不由己？
重要吗？

第一次是不是误会都过去了，
第二次也不可能是误会...

心里的感觉，不是旁人三言两语就能说清的...
我从来没有说出来，即使心里有多不开心多委屈...
因为我试着去体谅你，站在你的立场想...
可是我也是会累，我也有压抑不了的一天...
谁又来体谅我？

就算被你利用，我还是心甘情愿...
就算你说过的话不当一回事，我依然沉默...

你不是没当一回事，你只是从来没有当一回事...
在他面前，你只想到他对你有多好多体贴...
我呢？
你是否曾想想我对你做过怎样好怎样体贴的事？

你没有，因为在你心目中我根本不是这种人...
就算我做了，你也不觉得怎样...
我可以体谅你的另一半是你最重要的人，
但不代表我可以接受这样的对待...

最可恨的是，你竟然还颠倒是非...
做梦都没想过你会说出这样的话...
是我看错了你，是我太久没换眼睛...

庆幸的是，看到事情真相的不只有我一个人...
就算你以前再怎么善良没心机不计较，
现在在我眼里，只看到你怎么用你以前的善良来伪装你自己...

你遇到真爱是值得高兴的事，
但是因为这样你迷失了自己，
为别人而活，
说真的，我并不怎么觉得值得恭喜...

得到了一些东西，当然也会失去一些东西...
其中的道理，你比我更清楚不是吗?

如果你真心对待我，
你就不会对我做出那么多过分的事，
我不说出口，
是不想把事情弄到没有转弯的余地...

就算他比任何人都重要，
你也没有必要视别人为空气...
忍耐是有极限的...

心灰不是因为以前你怎么对待我，
而是现在的你怎么对待我...

Things you don't know

How long was this blog neglected by me?
Since when i started to live inside my world alone without communicate with others?

Time flies and things changed....
I went to a new college, finally i can feel what's 'stress' meant for....
When you look around and realized that you are not in a same level with others,
firstly you will feel nothing,
but when the problem being amplified,
you will know what's the feeling.....

Insecure, stress, low self-esteem, and unhappy....
My English level is sucks,
I never study hard during my secondary school,
my previous college taught me nothing,
till now, I can't identify noun and verb...
I can't even speak fluent English in front of the class....
What a shame....

They are Indian, Malay with English educated and mixed...
How could i survive in these situation?
The only way is to improve my damn English,
here's the problem....
I don't have any motivation to do that....
I tell myself everyday,
start to brush up your English, improve your grammar and do some reading.....
End up with nothing....

I'm a failure,
I never try hard to complete my task....
Seriously, too lazy to do that....
I always ask myself :" How am i graduated from diploma with merit?"

I can't see my future,
this road is too hard to move on....

I went through fake friendship once a while,
Depress, upset, despair，
nobody knows....
I showed my opposite side to keep my pride....
There is only thing I left,
And it's priceless....

I think God hates me....
He took away my brother from me after the incident....
All these thing shouldn't happened on me....
This is unfair!

I love my friend,
And I neglected my brother's feeling...
I felt so sorry to him....
If I know he leave me soon,
I swear that I wont do that to him....
I will stay at home everyday to accompany him with the rest of his life....
If I knew that.....

Thing goes so wrong,
finally i found that my love to my friend was unworthy....
This is the only regretted thing i had done in my diploma period....
If I know he will pass away,
I swear I wont step out from my house,
I want to stay beside him forever....

Memories is not enough to me,
I don't want all these memory,
I just want growth old together with my brother....

I can use my lifetime to exchange with my brother,
how many years do you want?
3 years? 5 years? or 10 years?

Just take it!
I want my brother back!

Everyone said it's good for him to leave this world.
he can't speak and walk like others,
how you know he is suffering?
He was happy to stay in this family....
He was happy to become my brother...

Why he must went through these？
Why he can't  live like others?

He deserve better!
I can provide him better quality of life in 3 years time,
Why you are not allow him to enjoy these in future?

God, you are so bad!
You are the one made me suffer....

I admitted I never appreciated whatever I have,
but I do appreciate my brother,
he made me feel proud....

You never show your sympathy on him....
Don't tell me things happened for a reason,
I will never accept....
Never.....