Things you don't know

How long was this blog neglected by me?
Since when i started to live inside my world alone without communicate with others?

Time flies and things changed....
I went to a new college, finally i can feel what's 'stress' meant for....
When you look around and realized that you are not in a same level with others,
firstly you will feel nothing,
but when the problem being amplified,
you will know what's the feeling.....

Insecure, stress, low self-esteem, and unhappy....
My English level is sucks,
I never study hard during my secondary school,
my previous college taught me nothing,
till now, I can't identify noun and verb...
I can't even speak fluent English in front of the class....
What a shame....

They are Indian, Malay with English educated and mixed...
How could i survive in these situation?
The only way is to improve my damn English,
here's the problem....
I don't have any motivation to do that....
I tell myself everyday,
start to brush up your English, improve your grammar and do some reading.....
End up with nothing....

I'm a failure,
I never try hard to complete my task....
Seriously, too lazy to do that....
I always ask myself :" How am i graduated from diploma with merit?"

I can't see my future,
this road is too hard to move on....

I went through fake friendship once a while,
Depress, upset, despair，
nobody knows....
I showed my opposite side to keep my pride....
There is only thing I left,
And it's priceless....

I think God hates me....
He took away my brother from me after the incident....
All these thing shouldn't happened on me....
This is unfair!

I love my friend,
And I neglected my brother's feeling...
I felt so sorry to him....
If I know he leave me soon,
I swear that I wont do that to him....
I will stay at home everyday to accompany him with the rest of his life....
If I knew that.....

Thing goes so wrong,
finally i found that my love to my friend was unworthy....
This is the only regretted thing i had done in my diploma period....
If I know he will pass away,
I swear I wont step out from my house,
I want to stay beside him forever....

Memories is not enough to me,
I don't want all these memory,
I just want growth old together with my brother....

I can use my lifetime to exchange with my brother,
how many years do you want?
3 years? 5 years? or 10 years?

Just take it!
I want my brother back!

Everyone said it's good for him to leave this world.
he can't speak and walk like others,
how you know he is suffering?
He was happy to stay in this family....
He was happy to become my brother...

Why he must went through these？
Why he can't  live like others?

He deserve better!
I can provide him better quality of life in 3 years time,
Why you are not allow him to enjoy these in future?

God, you are so bad!
You are the one made me suffer....

I admitted I never appreciated whatever I have,
but I do appreciate my brother,
he made me feel proud....

You never show your sympathy on him....
Don't tell me things happened for a reason,
I will never accept....
Never.....